Lost... and Found

Today, I cried....

Once, while I was talking to a friend about getting a Twitter account I remember she said " Twitter is like so stupid! You basically have to tweet all you do.. like you fart, you tweet 'I farted' " Now, although I told her how wrong she was, I couldn't help myself from laughing! I mean, yeah that's what most people now do, just use the social networks in shallower and shallower ways, that those networks lose the meaning they once held "to connect people".

And the first sentence in my post probably gave you the same impression. XD
But for a feelingless (which by the way, I know isn't a word that exists in the dictionary, yet I believe describes me perfectly that I decided to use it. It just sounds right; I mean "unfeeling", the "right"word just sounds wrong to me! Feelingless has more emotion, you know.. so the next time they ask you where you got a word you feel comfortable using from, you tell them "I made it up.. You know who else makes up words?! SHAKESPEARE!" )
So for a feelingless person like me, crying is sort of like a solar eclipse, doesn't happen that often (Not to mention confessing about it, which is probably why I should hit the "publish" button before denial phase is over) XD.

I cried because I felt that, for the first time in my life, I had messed up in every way possible, not the messing up in an exam or a project, but that feeling you get when you know you have failed not only yourself, but also those you care about the most, because then, you know what failure is really about, when you realize you have given up your chance to be who you have always wanted to be. Nothing eats up a human inside out more than that question "what if".. God! They should ban this expression for the better of HUMANITY! I can't think of one way it might be useful! All the advice you give to people then, all the beliefs you hold, seem at some point, useless...So then, overwhelmed by all the "what if"'s, I found my eyes suddenly full of tears....

And it was when I was the weakest  that I discovered the bliss I have actually been living in.
Because, I found an ever loving and supportive mother who was blaming herself for not being there the entire time (although she always was) and who was trying with all her might to help. I found a father who, although has never shown any satisfaction toward anything I have ever done, accepted me for who I am. I found out that, no matter what he may show, he accepted me, as his daughter, with all my flaws and failures. I found a loyal friend, who was instantly present the moment she felt that I may be in need of support. I found two dorky little brothers, who were willing to make fools out of themselves to put a smile on my face (not that they usually aren't goofing around :P)... I found concerned friends who bugged  me when they felt I wasn't being me...

Then, I found my favorite word in the dictionary : ACCEPTANCE.
And only then did I realize the only "what if" question that has done me well. "What if I weren't surrounded with so many people who love me?"
I would have never been anyway close to the flawed me I am today...

And I found my writings in which I got all preachy like a know-it-all about how making a difference isn't as a hard as it seems, and about never giving up :P and realized that I am just in one of the life's "downs", and that if I give up, then I would be in no position to be author of those writings (we wouldn't want that, would we XD)

So while I am writing this with tears in my eyes, I am also writing it with a knowing smile on my face, because although not being judged by those who unconditionally love me makes me in some way feel worse and guiltier for not living up to their expectations, I know that without their support and acceptance, I would never have gone this far to start with.

(Doesn't the word "crying" make you instantly think "baby"?! No wonder we never confess of it, like it's some crime or felony; our arrogance never lets us..).